Have you ever come back to your car and found a parking 'infringement' taped ever so lovingly to the windscreen, causing you to hyper-ventilate, verbalise profanities to the cloud Gods and wonder what your real purpose is here on Earth and the Universe at large?
Well that's precisely how I felt for the umpteenth time in my life recently when I was hosting some international guests in town for a weekend in the World's Most Liveable City. Upon doing my duty as a good Melbournian, showing them around and enjoying an all-Australian poached eggs and smashed avocado brunch, the fine chaps at the City Of Melbourne presented me with a gift on my windscreen, a parking 'infringement', just a small token of their appreciation for having entered their city limits, whilst at the same time testing me for mine. It was time.
Here is a copy of the actual letter I wrote to them:
And there you have it. 1 and a half hours of my life spent crafting a letter with several points of intention including:
A) That it's actually someones job (poor bastards) within the council to read these letters from people wanting to contest a fine
B) But if someone was going to read it, I was going to make sure that it was so bloody long and tedious that they become overwhelmed with boredom by it
C) However if they didn't become bored reading it and were actually (heaven forbid) entertained by it, then they may pass it around the office, getting others to read it and may withdraw the 'infringement' on humourous, creative or albeit compassionate grounds
D) Or maybe it was to show them just how ridiculous the City Of Melbourne is becoming in regard to parking and to remind them that there ARE cheaper ways of parking for a longer period of time if they want to play that game with me
E) Or if all else failed, they would ultimately realise how ridiculous this entire saga is over a 240 second gap of unmetered parking
Low and behold, let the record state that on March 9, 2017 a letter awaited my arrival in the mail, from none other than the City Of Melbourne. Read their response below:
So there you have it. They acknowledged my gingerly state of being. They acknowledged my efforts to do the right thing. They even offered some helpful advice if I'd like to discuss signage and parking management policies with their Engineering Services Branch.
I am however disappointed that I am $1.83 out of pocket and that they have not refunded this, yet they did acknowledge it, so it's evident that they actually DID read all of my letter, which is a pleasant surprise. Oh, and the piéce de résistance is that yes, they withdrew the 'infringement' after realising that the risk of not doing so would most certainly end up costing them a LOT more money than $78.00. Let the record show, I'm the wrong man to shakedown!
I have decided to leave my bank account details in the letter visible because clearly no-one will be able to access it without certain and specific other vital information, but interestingly this is all the information you will need to make a deposit into my account. So if any of you are feeling rather philanthropic and care to donate to the cause of my perpetual challenges with the constabulary and law enforcement in general, then by all means feel free to make a donation using those details, please remember than any donation over $2 is NOT tax deductible yet highly desirable nonetheless ;)
Thanks for reading, long it may have been but enjoyable one can only hope. I fought the law, and I won! xo